White House Satsuma
February 2003: There's a rumour doing great business on the internet currently (and let's not be coy about this, I fucking started it) along the lines that George W Bush has given biologists at MIT the green light to produce a massive, genetically modified satsuma.
It's hoped the boffins will successfully clone the grotesquely distended fruit in time for annual Halloween celebrations on the White House Lawn in October.
Yog is known to be violently allergic to pumpkin, but doesn't wish to appear un-American by turning his nose up at the traditional fare. The nine pound fruit will be sympathectically painted by Nancy Reagan before Bush is filmed chowing down with "tremendous gusto".
March 2003: London - Veteran Aussie upstart John Pilger will continually punch Lenny McClean's headstone until a cessation to the conflict is called.
He told reporters at the graveside, "When my grandchildren ask me what I did to bring about an end to this indefensible action against the Iraqi people, I shall tell them. I might write a book too."
Anti-war protesters in London, frustrated at the apparent ineffectiveness of the traditional march, have organised a human pyramid for peace. The 600-strong, flesh edifice will shamble up Victoria Embankment through rush-hour traffic before blocking the entrance to Embankment Underground Station. It's hoped the ensuing delay and confusion will undermine Government resolve to such a degree that peace is declared almost immediately.
I don't fancy yours much...or indeed at all
June 2003: Netto bosses faced a furore last week after they invited Jade Goody's placenta to open a branch of the supermarket in Woolwich, south London. The big brother bike's quivering former gland was wheeled about on a hostess trolley before being helped to cut a commemorative ribbon. Celebrity dullard Ms Goody refused to comment as we were unable to give her five hundred pounds.
February 2004: Ambitious porn queens in the States have taken to having their hips replaced with the wrist joints of adult gibbons. The medium sized primate is unique in the animal world in having a ball and socket jointed wrist as opposed to the usual ellipsoid arrangment. This affords it tremendous strength and manoeurverability, assets much prized by professional tarts.
One delighted recipient of the treatment told us how she could now accommodate four moustachioed co-stars at once before fainting. "How cool is that?", she added.
August 2004: The cycling world was rocked to its foundations this week by more allegations of systematic doping. "Nothing new there," I hear you snort. This time, however, the allegations were levelled by disgruntled French pedal-meister Phillipe Gaumont against our own butter-wouldn't-melt Mammy's boy, David Millar. A visibly shaken Gaumont takes up the story:
"During the 2003 tour (de France) we (Millar's Confidis team) were summoned to the team leader's hotel room the night before an important stage. This was nothing unusual as teams often gather in the evenings to discuss the following day's racing and tactics. As soon as we entered the room though, I sensed something was up. Millar was in a foul mood and berated us loudly for not performing well enough in the first week of the race. The dressing down went on for ages, after which we were forced to drink liquid EPO from a huge glass phallus, while Millar stood at the bollocks end screaming obscenities at us in broken French."
Millar has described the accusations as "fanciful", but faces an anxious wait while French police complete their investigations. The French authorities have cracked down hard on so-called sporting fraud recently, and if found guilty, Millar faces 60 months solitary confinement. If he cooperates, however, he'll probably get the Légion D'Honneur and a kiss. You know what the French are like.
- Get off my land.org
July 2005: Unconfirmed reports from the States suggest that Microsoft supremo, Bill Gates, is to buy the British arm of the internet. UK government sources remain tight lipped on the subject, but Misery Kippers understands that it's a done deal.
Gates (70) has long harboured dreams of controlling the free world via the internet, but his plans have been stymied by the deregulation of the popular information and porn repository in the US. This makes it virtually impossible for an individual to garner control of the facility due to its millions of owners.
The British government on the other hand still owns a controlling interest in the .co.uk branch, which it leases to web site owners and casual paedophiles on an ad hoc basis.
If the deal does go through, Gates will be free to charge what he likes to UK surfers for access to the net. Industry analysts now fear the internet will now go back underground, much as it was in the late eighties, with hapless punters having to pay exorbitant sums to look at shaky camcorder footage of popular sites.
Microsoft claim the story is "shite", but then they said much the same when we accused them of murdering John Paul II. Dost they protest too much? Watch this space (if you can).